headabovelaundry

Three kids, two dogs, one husband…keeping my head above the laundry pile one load at a time…

The Facebook Chronicles: Part I – Letter I’ve Written, Never Meaning To Send*

on February 26, 2011

*Thank you, Moody Blues, for the line from Knights in White Satin.

Today’s post is a compilation of “letters” I’ve written as status updates on Facebook.  They are in chronological, not sensible, order.  Enjoy!

Dear Adobe and Apple,

Can you please resolve whatever petty differences you have between the two of you so that iPad users can use Adobe Acrobat and Flash?

Yours Truly,

Frustrated iPad Owner

—–

Dear NFL,

Have you ever considered having the SuperBowl on Saturday?  It still has a nice ring to it, SuperBowl Saturday, and would give us all time to recuperate on Sunday.  Just a thought.

Sincerely,

Exhausted-on-Monday Football Fan

—–

January 27, 2011

Dear Nintendo,

Thank you for making a DS rugged enough to survive being thrown up on.

Sincerely,

Relieved Mom In Canada

—–

January 15, 2011

Dear Budweiser,

Please give us a new commercial…I don’t think I can stand the “Bud Plane” commercial 100 times per playoff game…four more games before the SuperBowl…that’s approximately 400 more viewings of this commercial…not counting the rest of them tonight…that’s 399 too many.

Sincerely,

Sam Adams Drinker – NOW

—–

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for bringing the boys The Dukes of Hazzard Season 1…the boys already love it and can quote several lines (breaker breaker this is Crazy Cooter) and I had forgotten just how cute Bo Duke was…and that dumb, cute blondes are not just female…

Love,

Soon-to-be Mrs. Bo Duke

—–

December 9, 2010

Dear Ralph Lauren,

What is up with your polo pony logo being almost as big as the wearer’s head?  I usually like your polos for my boys’ Christmas outfits, but the pony is ridiculous.  Because of that, I had to put on my cool hip mom look and go into Abercrombie  It was quite painful – loud music, bad lighting and a long line.  At least the logo is small.

Sincerely,

A former Polo polo shirt buyer

—–

Dearest Owen,

When the morning temp is 9 degrees, a hat and air of mittens are NOT optional.

Love

Your-Trying-The-Best-She-Can-And-Still-Failing-Miserably Mom

—–

November 30, 2010

Dear Santa,

Another request:  can you teach my dogs to wipe their muddy paws before walking through my entire house?  If not, maybe I could use the Roomba that mops the floors.

Love,

Always Mopping and Moping in Toronto

—–

November 25, 2010

Dear NFL,

I thought I was only supposed to cry while watching football when the Pats lose a SuperBowl.  I’m not supposed to cry during the pre-game.

Sincerely

Tearful in Toronto

PS  To everyone else out there:  sign up to be an organ/tissue donor and give the gift of life.

—–

November 21, 2010

Dear Santa,

I put the Apple iPad on my Christmas list this year because it looks so cool.  Don says that’s silly since it has no memory.  I say he’s silly because he has no memory either.  What do you think?

XOXO

Lisa in Canada

—–

November 17, 2010

Dear Buffalo Target,

Thank you for a fun day yesterday.  It’s good to shop in the land of too much.  And there’s no better place to shop than Target.

Love,

Your Devoted and Loyal Shopper

—–

October 11, 2010

Dear God,

Thank you for hearing my prayers about bringing Target to Canada.  Now, about the other two things in my top three list:  world peace and Don remembering my birthday…how are those looking now?  Thanks again.

XOXO

Lisa

—–

October 5, 2010

Dear Super Strength Motrin,

Thank you for always being there when I need you.  Like this morning.  The morning after a grueling Pilates class.  I love you.

Love,

Ouch

—–

September 27, 2010

Dear CBS & Writers for How I Met Your Mother,

Please do not make disparaging remarks about Santa during prime time TV.  I saw Santa outside my kitchen window when I was 3 and will never, ever, doubt his existence.

Sincerely,

A  Kid At Heart

—–

August 17, 2010

Dear Lord,

Please forgive me.  I’ve eaten almost a quarter of the chocolate sheet cake.  And I had a slice right after telling the kids it wasn’t time for dessert yet.  And I know there are starving children in Africa.

Sincerely,

Chubby Girl

PS  Thank you for inventing pecans…I added them to the frosting and they took the cake to a whole new level.

—–

August 10, 2010

Dear Nordstroms,

Thank you for sending me the “Your Personalized Fall Trend Guide” email.  But seriously?  I’m flattered you think I’m even remotely trendy, and I hate to break it to you, but I’m not.  Take a look in my closet.  BORING!  I’d love to be trendy this fall, and if you want to see me that way, please send an accompanying $1,000 gift card with my trend guide.  Thank you.

A Walking Fashion Don’t

—–

July 20, 2010

Dear Frito Lay,

Please consider packaging Cool Ranch Doritos in the same compostable-style bag as you package Sun Chips…not only is the bag good for the environment, it’s great for my dieting efforts.  It’s difficult to have a secret late night snack when the bag is loud enough to wake both the dead and my family.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

Midnight Snacker

—–

May 20, 2010

Dear BMW,

Thank you for your email about “Enhancing your driving experience.”  All I really want is for Don’s BMW to run well.  That would enhance my driving experience plenty.

Sincerely,

Overheated in Toronto

—–

February 8, 2010

Dear SuperBowl Half Time Show Producers,

While I understand the importance of reaching a wide age range in viewership, having “classic” performers on the show do not make us feel nostalgic, it makes us feel old.  I love classics like The Who and The Stones, but maybe pick some really good cover band with hip, hot performers to play the music…best of both – nostalgic and happy!

Sincerely,

I-Don’t-Feel-That-Old Football Fan

—–

January 10, 2010

Dear Tooth Fairy,

I know you  are tired and I know Ryan was up past his bedtime, but please remember to stop by to retrieve Ryan’s lost molar.

Thank you.

Ryan’s Mom

—–

January 7, 2010

Dear Barack,

It’s me again.  Just heard part of the press conference.  Really? These are the best minds in America?  I’m off the phone.  Call me.

Smarter-Than-That-I-Think

—–

December 30, 2009

Dear Barack,

I would like to apply for a job at the TSA and/or Homeland Security.  I know my way around Excel and could probably consolidate those various watch lists, then cross check them to passenger lists and politely ask any one on the list to kindly leave the terminal.  Call me!

Sincerely,
By No Means Tech Whiz Kid, But Better Than Who’s There Now

—–

November 26, 2009

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a new pair of pants in a larger size – I was left alone with the leftover pecan pie.  Thank You.

XOXO

Holding My Breath To Button My Pants

—–

November 2, 2009

Dear Label Maker,

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Sincerely,

Labeled and Organized

—–

October 16, 2009
Dear Steve Jobs,

Your commercial says “There’s an app for that.”  If you have an app that will clean the bathroom, fold & put away laundry, and figure out what is smelly inside my car (and clean it), I’ll buy the biggest, baddest iPhone you make.  If there’s not an app for that, it’s false advertising.

Sincerely,

App-This

—–

August 6, 2009

Dear Steven Tyler,

Dude, when you fall off the stage during a show, it’s time to hang up the guitar (and the scarf).  Love ya, but really, you are how old again?  Go to Jamaica, maan, and have a smoke, relax, and enjoy.

XOXO

Aerosmith Fan

—–

July 16, 2009

Dear National Grid

Thank you for keeping me awake well past 1 a.m. last night.  While I’m sure OSHA & DOT require the yellow flashing light at work areas, please be advised that (1) I live at the end of a cul-de-sac with little-to-no traffic and (2) It was 1 a.m.  Who would be driving down our street?

Sincerely,

Sleepy Customer

—–

March 11, 2009

Dear Friends and Neighbors,

It is now March.  Please remove the x-mas wreaths from your doors.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

At Least One Person With Her Calendar On the March Page

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