Three kids, two dogs, one husband…keeping my head above the laundry pile one load at a time…

50 Shades of Housework

on June 13, 2012

I cannot get behind the whole 50 Shades of Grey craze.  I just can’t.  I read the first book and found it….icky.

A part of my distaste for the book was, indeed, the poor grammar and poor writing.  My blogger friend Outlaw Mama can’t get past the wardrobe choices the protagonist makes (you can read about her feelings regarding the “hotness” of sporting a pair of Converse tennis shoes here).  I can’t get past the violence against women.  Perhaps I was a Puritan in a past life.  Or maybe it’s the whole Catholic upbringing.   My friends who found the books to be interesting and titillating have told me I need to lighten up.  That it’s just fiction.  That it’s entertainment.  That it’s fun.  I don’t find it entertaining.  I don’t find it fun.  I don’t want to take my blog down a path of uber-seriousness, so I won’t go into the sex trade industry and human trafficking and genital mutilation and honor killings.  I read a disturbing New York Times Magazine article about these topics and it took months, if not years, to get those visual images out of my mind.  The fact that people find beatings and submission to be a sexual turn-on just seems wrong to me.

So to steer my post back to the usual light-hearted approach to life that I try to have, I’ve come up with a short list of things that would turn me on.  I remember Oprah once saying that housework is the best foreplay around.  Oprah was on to something there.  Here are things I’ve come up with to tie in housework (Fifty Shades of Housework – FSofH) and 50 Shades of Grey (FSofG):

  • Contracts and Legal Agreements:
    • FSofG Version:  Christian drafts a detailed legal document outlining the parameters of the dominant and submissive relationship.
    • FSofH Version:  Husband completes entire packet of back-to-school documents for all children, without any input from wife/mother.  Documents include, but are not limited to:  medical history, education history, behavior and development history, emergency contact list (super tricky when you are new in town and have no one within a 500 mile radius to list as an emergency contact), lunch contracts, dismissal forms and media consent forms.
  • Ties that Bind:
    • FSofG Version:  Ability to use an assortment of rope, gray silk ties, and zip ties for the “Red Room of Pain”.
    • FSofH Version:  Ability to master any type of garbage bag enclosure:  old school twist ties, drawstring, or easy tie flaps.  First step would require the ability to recognize when garbage can has reached its limit (like the red light signal in FSofG, the trash can’s red light signal is that the drawer won’t close because the trash is too full).
  • “The Room”:
    • FSofG Version:  Red Room of Pain.
    • FSofH Version:  Having the bathroom to yourself for at least 15 minutes, uninterrupted.
  • Availability:
    • FSofG Version:  Being available for sex from Friday to Sunday.
    • FSofH Version:  Being able to sleep in (child free) Saturday and Sunday mornings.
  • Exercise and Physical Maintenance:
    • FSofG Version:  Must workout to maintain endurance for lengthy sexual adventures.  Must be well groomed in both carpet and drape area.
    • FSofH Version:  Workout to maintain sanity and be able to chase down toddler while hurdling over laundry piles in the hallway.  Have alone time in bathroom (see above) so both legs can be shaved at the same time.

I’m sure there are more, but frankly, I’m trying to put that book out of my memory.  I’ve moved on to better reading.

What’s on your 50 Shades of Housework list?


8 responses to “50 Shades of Housework

  1. outlawmama says:

    OMG, you are one funny lady. I love your housework contract. My list is just for someone to pick any, absolutely any area of my house, and be in charge of it. FOrever. Take something off my plate….I wish. Still not sure where I stand on those books….my therapist says denial; I say, he’s fired.

  2. Thanks! No how can I tie your list into 50 Shades of Grey? Hmmm…Christian is completely in charge of her. You designee is completely in charge of, say, underwear on the floor?

  3. Jennifer says:

    Lisa, that has me laughing out loud! Great post!

  4. sewmama says:

    Dinner. Definitely. Cooking dinner is top on my list. Just take the reigns and do it, EVERY night! And make it (at least somewhat) healthy. It’s all his to plan, shop, cook and serve (unless of course it’s Saturday night and I feel like cooking, relaxed style, with a glass of wine)

  5. I’m half way through and I’m not sure if it’s me or the stomach bug I have but I feel nauseous. Who in the hell fantasizes about being treated this way? Put on your chaps, pick up your flogger and clean my carpets damnit! Now that’s a fantasy.

    • Absolutely. I was going to add another one about the flogger….saying the only way I would want to see a horse whip was when I was staying at a Dude Ranch in Montana during a spontaneous week-end getaway…ideally with a young Paul Newman. Time travel would be involved, but it sure would be fun! But dog-hair free carpets would be even more perfect!

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